


A Lonely Voice Behind a Door

by a tattered rose (atr)



Category: Being Erica
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-23
Updated: 2009-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-05 02:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atr/pseuds/a%20tattered%20rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kai returns with a surprising announcement, Erica reassesses the nature of her 'earworm' and her relationship with another man she can't get out of her head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lonely Voice Behind a Door

**Author's Note:**

  * For [monimala](https://archiveofourown.org/users/monimala/gifts).



> The title is borrowed from "A Lonely Voice" by October Project.
> 
> Many thanks to Cincodemaygirl and Inspired Looney for last minute beta assistance. (((Hugs))) All errors are my own.

As the postal worker disappeared to file the box containing the signed and notarized paperwork into the proper bin, Erica and Julianne shook hands. It was official: they were in business. And then, at the same moment, they burst out laughing. This was their future.

 

Minutes later, they entered Goblins. Crossing the threshold, Erica stumbled.

 

“Watch it now, or people might start to think you're already drunk” Julianne ribbed affectionately.

 

“Well, if you really can be 'drunk on happi-'”

 

Erica stopped short. She had untangled her scarf from the door and looked up to find her eyes locked with Kai's. Her heart jerked in surprise and when it found rhythm again its tempo was quick, her stomach pulled into a mad whirling dance.

 

She didn't hear Julianne when she spoke: “Erica?”

 

It was Kai. It was _Kai_.

 

He looked the same but different. A moment later she understood why: this Kai wasn't 22. There was no eyeliner, no rock star posturing, no overly bad-boy outfit, but this was the 32 year old body she had only met once, ten years in the future. His features were a little more refined, his posture a little less free. But his eyes were the same ones she had met hundreds of times over the last few months. This Kai knew her.

 

“Erica, what's wrong?” Julianne asked.

 

Erica felt like she was looking at a ghost. Maybe she was going crazy. There hadn't been much time for sleep, these past few weeks. And there was no one to drag her to bed, not anymore.

 

He started walking towards her.

 

“Erica!” Julianne finally grabbed her arm and shook it. “Earth to Erica. Are you-”

 

Kai stopped a step away.

 

“I'm sorry Julianne. Can you give me a minute?”  Afraid to move her eyes away in case he vanished, Erica's voice was faint.

 

“Okay. I'll get our drinks. But only a minute, we've got celebrating to do, chicken.” Her cheerful tone was overlaid with a hint of confusion.

 

Kai smiled.

 

Erica's sense of unreality was broken when he took her arm. He was real. He was really here.

 

He cleared his throat and spoke: “Can we talk outside?”

 

\- . -

 

Side by side they walked slowly down a street a few blocks away from Goblins. Erica wasn't paying attention to where they were going, she was thinking about what Kai had just told her.

 

Dr. Fred had given him his 'do-over' day. And had let him come back here, as himself – his real self, in his own body. To a time when he knew she had broken up with Ethan and he was sorry about that but he wanted to see her again and he thought, maybe now, she wouldn't mind seeing him either. Just for today, when nothing would stick and there would be no regrets.

 

Kai was waiting for her to respond, she knew he was, but there were too many thoughts and emotions reeling through her mind.

 

This was his do-over day.

 

This was his do-over day and today, nothing would stick except for his memories.

 

This was his do-over day and he had come to see her.

 

This was his do-over day and now it was sort of hers, too.

 

This was    
_his_   
do-over day.    
_She_   
wouldn't remember a thing.

 

At a street corner, he stopped. “This was a stupid idea. Forget it. I'm sorry.” He sounded sad and embarrassed but he was looking her in the eye. For all that he spent his life running, he always came back to her and faced whatever she had to dish out. “You don't have to spend today with me, or anything. I just figured. If we hung out on your do-over day it didn't turn out so good for you. And that was kind of my fault. So I kind of owed you one, you know?” His arm lifted and he half reached out, as if to touch her. Then he took a step back, the movement conflicting with the desire to stay with her clearly writ in his eyes. “But now you know at least. About today.”

 

Watching him, listening to him, Erica reached a conclusion that felt right.

 

“I do want to, Kai. A part of me really wishes we could.”

 

He stared at her, his expression open and hopeful, and her heart broke a little.

 

“But?” It wasn't a question. He knew her too well.

 

“But no matter how fun it would be, I won't remember and you will. And I know it seems, right now, like that would be okay, but it wouldn't be. And I care about you Kai, too much to let you do this to yourself.”

 

He tried to shrug it off. “We can't just hang out, steal another car maybe? You don't want to make me walk down any more bridges in my underwear, make me remember it this time?” His smile didn't quite reach his eyes and his jokes held an edge of longing.

 

She wanted to. But if she had twenty-four hours to live without regrets she wasn't going to let Kai make the mistake she had made. And there was somewhere else she wanted to go. Something she wanted to do that wouldn't leave anyone with another regret for their list.

 

Erica moved closer until she could place her hands on his arms in a partial embrace. “Goodbye Kai.”

 

There was one thing she could give him. She knew it would hurt him, but it felt right. There was a memory she shouldn't be the only one to have.

 

She kissed him; long and deep and bittersweet. He wrapped his arms around her and she ran her fingertips up his neck. He ran his tongue over the edges of her teeth and she drew her thumb down his cheekbone. They made the moment last as long as their lungs would allow. Because this was what they could have. Then they parted for air and it was over.

  
It felt right. Not exactly right. But it felt, at least, like closure.

 

“Thank you, Kai. For today.”

 

Her heart felt a little lighter as she walked away.

 

Kai stood on the street until Erica turned a corner. This wasn't what he'd expected. Not what he hoped, or what he feared. And he understood what she meant now about regrets. And he knew, even more, that she was amazing. And he was certain that he didn't regret her at all.

 

\- . -

 

She wasn't doing anything wrong. She was perfectly within her rights to be there. But she still felt a little giddy, a little naughty, like she was sneaking into the back door of a movie theater without paying. Like any moment someone would step out in front of her and ask what she thought she was doing before kicking her out.

 

The chalk outline was gone but when she eyeballed the distance from the corner of the building and   
_ -_   
pushed,- the bricks shifted and the secret door opened.

 

There were probably other ways to get here but she didn't know about them. Yet. And, she figured, if she was going to sneak in she might as well sneak in through the front door.

 

From the start it had been quite clear that this was a    
_magical_   
hallway. Still, she felt less surprise than she ought to see her goal framed in front of her.

 

Dr. Tom's door.

 

For the first time she felt unsure, and she hovered a step away. Should she knock? She had always walked right into his office. But before she had walked through ordinary doors. This was    
_his_   
door. To push this door open felt like an invasion of privacy, like walking into someone's house before they invited you.

 

And she was a little scared. What if he wasn't there? What if, on the other side, it wasn't his office at all?

 

She stood there, frozen, her arm raised, hovering somewhere between reaching for the handle and knocking. 'What ifs' roiled in her imagination. She took a deep, settling breath before taking the plunge and-

 

The door swung open.

 

Startled, she stumbled backwards and let out a tiny yelp.

 

“Staying in the hallway, are you?”

 

His voice was friendly, light and smiling. But his eyes were grave and his body blocked the gap between the door and the frame.

 

“No,” came her defensive reply. Then, sheepishly, “Yes.”

 

She remembered standing outside her own disastrous book launch wondering why Ethan was making all the wrong choices when she was ready to be with him. And then Dr. Tom made one of his infuriatingly insightful comments, couched as a question. And made her realize that who we want people to be and who they are, what we want people to do and the choices they end up making, are two separate things.

 

“Can I come in?” She asked, not meaning to sound so pleading.

 

He stepped back, bur only enough for her to slip by.

 

Standing in the middle of the room she hesitated. Sitting in her usual chair would feel too much like a session, and sitting in his chair would be much too forward. There were several other seats in the room but none were grouped invitingly, and standing with her coat on looked too much like indecision, as if she might leave again directly.

 

She compromised by settling her purse in the chair facing his desk and laying her coat and scarf over its back.

 

Nerves kept her ears alert and she caught the quiet    
_click_   
of the door closing. When she turned around he was still where she had left him, turned mostly away and his hand still on the door knob.

 

Tom.

 

She wasn't just a patient. Not anymore.

 

“Kai's having a do-over day today, and he's here.” It was the first thing she thought of to break the uncomfortable silence. As soon as she said it she cringed. His shoulders tensed and the set of his jaw tightened like it always did when she said Kai's name. Not the best start.

 

“I know.” His tone was sympathetic, despite his unwelcoming posture. Finally his shoulders sagged and he moved to cross, stiffly, to his desk. Doctor mode: he was gearing up for- would it still be a session if she had no where to go back to?

 

As he passed by she caught at his arm without thinking. Her touch was light but he halted as suddenly as if she had slapped him. His sleeves were rolled up so it was her skin on his, for the first time.

 

Against her fingertips the hairs on his arm raised. She was very aware of his breathing as he exhaled unsteadily; she wasn't feeling particularly serene herself. Pushing down the urge to trail her hand higher up his arm, she tried to explain why she was there.

 

“What I mean is, I know. That today won't have happened. No regrets.”

 

He knew. He always knew. She could see it in his eyes when he finally raised his head to look at her. It made it harder, and it made it easier because she knew he would let her say anything she wanted to say.

 

“And so, Erica Strange, you have found a loophole. What is it you plan to do, on this, your day with no regrets?”

 

He was looking at her like he did sometimes, when she felt closer to him than she had ever felt to anyone. Full of sadness and affection, sorrow and pride. No one had ever known her as well as he knew her, not even Judith.

 

And no one had ever looked at her like he looked at her. Not even Ethan, not even Kai.

 

With all the conflicting emotions she was feeling just now, she wondered what her eyes looked like to him.

 

She thought about his question. What she had planned to do didn't matter anymore. It had involved much easier conversation, for one thing. In her mind when he protested it was filled with the same regret she saw in him now, but she hadn't included his quiet, firm resolve, the distance he kept between them. He wasn't going to cave in to her. He wasn't going to smile one of his rare, unguarded smiles and throw her down on his desk and touch her and tickle her and slide her clothes off and do all those things she knew he would already know that she wanted him to do.

 

If she took his hand he wouldn't follow. He wouldn't push her hair gently back behind her ear and cup the back of her head like she was made of porcelain as he laid a trail of soft butterfly kisses up her neck. He wouldn't let his lips hover over hers, asking permission before tentatively giving her chaste kisses. He wouldn't spend eternity caressing each inch of skin until she was impatiently scratching at him.

 

Her gaze dropped to his lips and she imagined what his goatee would feel like against her skin. If he wasn't real and full of    
_wouldn't_   
s.

 

He wouldn't take her and he wouldn't let her have him. Not because he didn't want her – she was experienced enough to recognize desire – but because he wouldn't relax his careful self-control.

 

Whether he was still caught up in their original roles (even though they had long since passed beyond the definition of 'doctor/patient'), or was still battling against his self-imposed rules (though his notions of what relationships could exist within the context of this wonderful gift were already cracking when he spoke with Kai), or possibly he hadn't let himself be with anyone since his wife. If Erica could believe this of anyone, she could believe it of this man.

 

Whatever the reason and however many of them there were; no words, no quote would overcome his remaining barriers.

 

He was a master of words. He bent them to his will, as a weapon or as a shield. Erica knew she couldn't match him if he chose to fight or chose to block her with words.

 

They were still staring into each others' eyes and Erica felt the world slipping away. She understood all these things about him that she hadn't known she knew. Things she'd never thought about, wouldn't let herself think about. Things she'd distract herself from by thinking other things. Feeling other things. Playing other songs loudly over-top because the melody that she couldn't get rid of was one she didn't want to hear.

 

He was her earworm.

 

Her crush on Kai, the crazy impossible intimacy of their friendship, their almost-relationship wasn't enough to drown it.

 

He was her earworm and he could out-talk her and out-reason her. But there was one thing she did have, she'd just proven it. Something so powerful that he had spent the entire span of their relationship setting up barriers against it.

 

Her eyes slid down to where her hand still laid against his forearm, binding him in place. She had this. She had touch.

 

Carefully, she wrapped her other arm around his neck, only moving her hand from his arm when he was firmly in her grasp. Then she buried her face in his shoulder and slipped her free hand around his waist to pull him closer, more securely within her embrace.

 

She listened to his heart beat beneath her ear and splayed her fingers to hold as much of him as possible.

 

Touch. Contact. Love. The things he never let himself have, not even when they were offered.

 

His body was warm and solid. She sighed in contentment and softly stroked his back like she might pet a nervous puppy, inviting him to relax. “No regrets,” she whispered in his ear, a smile curving her lips.

 

So much of life spent in the past, when all you have is now.

 

He had said something like that to her once, out on the docks.

 

Like a magic spell, he melted against her, hugged her back. It was friendship, it was affection, it was respect and thanks and a sort of family they had carved out for themselves, in spite of themselves. And it was something more. Something that sped their hearts and excited their nerves and narrowed their senses until they were only aware of each other.

 

Something that set them on fire.

 

He pulled back first, but not completely. His hands rested on her waist, not minding that her shirt had slipped up; his finger stroked absently against her bare skin. He watched her with heavy eyes. Waiting.

 

There was another magic word she knew. She whispered it now, pleading, and they fell together, their mouths neither chaste nor hungry, but curious. Relieved. Smiling. Excited. Patient.

 

She laughed against him and their teeth clicked together. Their noses bumped. She discovered that his goatee was just rough enough to make her skin tingle, to tickle and soothe. And he pulled at her hip to draw her closer, just the way she wanted him to.

 

Around them the air was filled with echoes of that word:

 

“Tom.”


End file.
